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Year's End And Moving On

12/9/2016

9 Comments

 
I can't believe the end of the year is already here.  Another 1.5 months roughly until I'm a year post op.  Just crazy how quickly this all has gone looking back on this year.  I recently wrote in a blog post that I was thinking about my own healing and closure over what happened to me.  I was wondering if staying involved in the online forums and communities like I do was actually preventing me from getting that closure (whatever I can get anyway... I don't think I'll ever really have full closure over this since I got left hanging in so many ways) I need to be able to heal and move on.  While I like helping people and being able to share the knowledge I've gained from having to go through all of this, it also keeps me active and prolongs my own experience that I had instead of just finally putting it to bed and moving on.  So, I've been thinking about it.  Especially with the end of the year coming.  Almost a year post op for me and I do want to move on a bit.  I just couldn't pull back from things without feeling bad about it.  One of the online jaw groups I frequent had some bad juju going around for a few days last week.  People ended up getting pretty nasty.  Even I was attacked despite how diplomatic I tend to be online.  That was kind of my sign.  It's time to go.  Came at a time when I was already questioning if hanging around was allowing me to have my own closure from my traumatic experience.  Part of me does feel bad still, but less bad after the catalyst thread(s) that finally made me pull the trigger on this. 

I'm still going to have my website going (although updates less and less frequently probably) and will be answering any emails through my contact form.  Of course the people from these groups who need to find me know where to find me.  I'll still be around.... but just not in the same ways and to the extent I have been the last 4 years.  From a selfish stand point, it's really great to be in this position to where I can try and move on.  I deserve it.  I've done more than my time in this.  I deserve what closure I can get too.  So, while I love helping other patients through all of this, it's not worth it at the cost of my sanity.....which I felt like was suffering the last few weeks in some of the group posts when it got heated last week.  I've spent hours and hours and hours talking to other patients (both through my website and groups/forums).  I've had perfect strangers show up and I've offered rides and help.  I've even offered a place to crash.  I'm not playing a minature violin here saying I was made to do this and hated it.  Not at all.  Quite the contrary, I really enjoy helping others out.  If you've ever read that book, "The Five Love Languages," my language is acts of service.  This extends not just in my relationship with my husband, but to friends and other people I deal with as well.  So, doing these things makes me happy and it wasn't until recently that I did begin to question a little bit if it was holding up closure for me.  And again, I like helping, but not at the cost of my own sanity, which was beginning to suffer in some forums recently.  So, those are the driving forces right now in terms of pulling back and seeing where all of this goes.  Where post op life takes me.  Anybody readnig this and wanting to contact me through my website-- seriously do not hesitate.  I am still all ears and will lend whatever information I can for your situation.  But in terms of spending hours and hours on facebook groups and stuff, I am definitely pulling back there.

On a totally different topic.... I just came back from Santa Barbara to see a friend (who ironically I met through a jaw surgery group on facebook) who just had her surgery with Dr. Gunson.  It was weird driving down the roads there.  Last time I was there to see Dr. Gunson, I was in such bad shape.  Only 2 months post op, confused, in pain, and freshly abandoned by my treating surgeon.  I didn't know how bad I was on the drive in, and was completely shocked on the drive out after hearing the results were SO much worse than I even thought/feared.  Lots of tears leaving that place driving over the mountain pass back to the highway.  And driving out this time... it was just so weird to be at this place where I am fixed (mostly).  I was hopeless driving over that pass 2.5 years ago.  Never thought in a million years I'd be back and driving out in the condition I am in now.  It was a great feeling, but I also had some mixed emotions. I think it was also hard seeing my friend going through what she's going through.  I for sure understand.  Breaks my heart seeing people endure this, especially if they are enduring it at the hands of a doctor that screwed them over.  Unfortunately both of us are in that position, which is also another reason we've connected over all of this.

So, it was fitting driving back over this mountain pass.  At a time when the year is coming to an end and feel like it was kind of full circle for me on my journey.  It was the place I went to to start my revision process in June 2014.  And I drove out of there now at the end of 2016, class I and damn near perfect out of revision, and hopefully leaving those memories behind in the rear view mirror of that mountain road I traveled over.  I think this is a good time to start moving on.  So, here is onward and upward in 2017.....which I still can't believe is just around the corner!  Have a safe and happy holidays, friends! 
9 Comments
Traci
12/12/2016 07:37:18 pm

Hi! I'm trying to do this, as well...move on...as much as I can. It's hard trying to be a person who has been through this twice and then some. I want to help others through it but it also makes me re-live it over and over again. And...feel guilty about it. Don't get me started there. Anyways, I'm proud of you for distancing yourself. I'll keep trying to do the same!

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Ashley
12/12/2016 08:14:45 pm

Hey, Traci! How is your healing going? I do hope you can find some peace with the distance on this kind of stuff too. It's weird, like I am more than happy keeping my website going and talking through that, but it's definitely time to take a break from the facebook group I was in. Been gone over a week now and a few times I thought, "I wonder how so and so is doing," but by and large I am definitely in a better place not dealing with all the hooplah that was firing up in the group recently. Hope you're doing well!

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Traci
12/27/2016 09:31:02 pm

Hi! Healing is going well enough. I guess I feel healed but still have most of the joint issues and pain I had prior to this last surgery. Biggest problem is my bite has opened already...Not as severe but still open. I saw a dentist to see if she could file my teeth slightly (as requested by my orthodontist). She examined me and saw that only my back right molar touches on right and back two molars on left. I saw my surgeon and he wasn't all that concerned. He filed my teeth but I don't really feel much different/better. It looks closed from the front but really isn't. This makes me sad but what do I do? My dentist is going to examine me again next week and is trying to get me into a university pain clinic for another opinion. Sigh... How are you feeling? Joints doing OK?

Kevin
1/6/2017 02:56:08 am

I want to thank you for taking the time to blog your experiences. How Kaiser and your second team differ is clear as night and day.

You've helped me so much by educating me on what to except from a good team. I hope that anyone considering jaw surgery gets the planning and attention you got the second time.

Were you able to change insurance from Kaiser? Did your new insurance help cover your 2nd surgery? I currently have Kaiser and live in the Bay Area.

Reply
Ashley
1/7/2017 11:00:44 am

Hi, Kevin! So glad you got use out of the blog. You're exactly the reason I have it all out there, so that makes me happy to hear this feedback! :)

I had my first surgery with Kaiser in April 2014. Unfortunately I was stuck with them until the end of the year that year. They refused to cover me for any services outside of Kaiser so I paid out of pocket to start going on my consults and stuff with other surgeons. I went on my last surgical consult in Aug 2014 (Dr. Karas), and I chose him to do my revision surgery. I was able to talk with his office and find out what insurances worked best for everything, and I was able to get set up and pick up Blue Cross Blue Shield through my work in open season that November, and my husband was able to pick up Anthem Blue Cross from his work that Dec. So when 2015 started, I had double coverage for everything. I was covered 100% by both insurances with little issue. If you have Kaiser and would like to see other surgeons for consult (which I HIGHLY recommend), I for sure recommend Dr. Karas in Walnut Creek. He was just so amazing for me. I also saw Kasey Li over at Stanford, but he just wasn't my cup of tea. He's supposed to be an amazing surgeon, but I just couldn't not jive with his personality over all. And he was quite pricey. If you want to see Dr. Karas, I want to say his consult will be $150 out of pocket without insurance, but don't quote me on that. Could be $200. Most of my consults were in that range. You also have the option of seeing multiple Kaiser docs. I have heard not great things about Kaiser Oakland all together. Check out Kaiser Santa Clara. I interviewed for a job with an ortho here in the bay area and they basically said they refuse to use Kaiser Oakland for all the same reasons I had a problem with them and they refer out to Kaiser Santa Clara. I've also heard good things about a Dr. Belle down in Kaiser Anaheim if you want to make the trip down to get his opinion. Whatever you do, just get multiple opinions and don't rush to the first surgeon your ortho or Kaiser tries to push you to.

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Lucian
1/13/2017 10:28:37 am

I am glad that you managed to finally reach a state where you are satisfied with the surgery.
For me, we are still trying to fix things by ortho and dentist.

All the best,
Lucian.

Reply
Ashley
1/13/2017 10:42:45 am

Hey, Lucian! Long time no speak! Sorry to hear you're still tweaking things in ortho. How long has it been for you now? As for my satisfaction, I'd say I am trying to see the good in what I've been left with here and be thankful for that. I for sure still have issues. I just left my prosthodontist yesterday and we're discussing the probably $30K worth of work I need for my severely damaged front teeth. My docs feel bad for me and I feel bad for myself (as well as angry because I am still pretty sure the loss of my front teeth was avoidable and I have my first set of docs to thank for it mostly), but I'm trying to see the goods in this too and be thankful that I am out of the pain I was in those two years between the first surgery and revision surgery. Do you know what your ortho and surgeon have in mind for your future movements on your teeth to finish them up? If not, I would sit with them and try to wrap your brain around what they're trying to do. And as I always tell people, don't hesitate to get another opinion on that too. I wish I had gone and gotten other opinions earlier with my first ortho, because if I had then I could have stopped him from yanking my teeth all over earlier and maybe avoided having my front teeth damaged as bad as they are now. I am not saying that is happening in your case-- it more than likely isn't, but just saying it's never a bad thing to get a second set of eyes on things if you think it's not quite going as planned. Let me know what happens!

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Lucian
1/13/2017 10:57:47 am

Thanks for your fast reply.
I just had this week a surgery for my deviated septum, my breathing was awful (and still is) after the surgery - I hope will be better in some days. Before I proceed with anything regarding another jaw revision surgery I need to breath right. I have read that breathing through your mouth impacts the occlusion. So a revision would not make sense without proper breathing.
Currently I am in state where I accept my current situation.
Will let you know my progress.

And yes, please write your progress - you are inspiring for me.

Ashley
1/13/2017 11:04:34 am

Oh, man! I'm so sorry. I do feel for you here because my septum was also deviated in the first surgery and is still on my plate left to fix. I was fortunate enough to have my revision surgeon do a minor lower septoplasty to straighten it out a smidge, and in all honesty, it might be enough for me to just live with it now. I am sorry to hear yours was left bad enough to have to go back in for yet another surgery. Hopefully in the coming week or two you'll start to feel the improvements and breathe better. You are correct, mouth breathing is not good for many things, including the occlusion.

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