I can't believe the end of the year is already here. Another 1.5 months roughly until I'm a year post op. Just crazy how quickly this all has gone looking back on this year. I recently wrote in a blog post that I was thinking about my own healing and closure over what happened to me. I was wondering if staying involved in the online forums and communities like I do was actually preventing me from getting that closure (whatever I can get anyway... I don't think I'll ever really have full closure over this since I got left hanging in so many ways) I need to be able to heal and move on. While I like helping people and being able to share the knowledge I've gained from having to go through all of this, it also keeps me active and prolongs my own experience that I had instead of just finally putting it to bed and moving on. So, I've been thinking about it. Especially with the end of the year coming. Almost a year post op for me and I do want to move on a bit. I just couldn't pull back from things without feeling bad about it. One of the online jaw groups I frequent had some bad juju going around for a few days last week. People ended up getting pretty nasty. Even I was attacked despite how diplomatic I tend to be online. That was kind of my sign. It's time to go. Came at a time when I was already questioning if hanging around was allowing me to have my own closure from my traumatic experience. Part of me does feel bad still, but less bad after the catalyst thread(s) that finally made me pull the trigger on this.
I'm still going to have my website going (although updates less and less frequently probably) and will be answering any emails through my contact form. Of course the people from these groups who need to find me know where to find me. I'll still be around.... but just not in the same ways and to the extent I have been the last 4 years. From a selfish stand point, it's really great to be in this position to where I can try and move on. I deserve it. I've done more than my time in this. I deserve what closure I can get too. So, while I love helping other patients through all of this, it's not worth it at the cost of my sanity.....which I felt like was suffering the last few weeks in some of the group posts when it got heated last week. I've spent hours and hours and hours talking to other patients (both through my website and groups/forums). I've had perfect strangers show up and I've offered rides and help. I've even offered a place to crash. I'm not playing a minature violin here saying I was made to do this and hated it. Not at all. Quite the contrary, I really enjoy helping others out. If you've ever read that book, "The Five Love Languages," my language is acts of service. This extends not just in my relationship with my husband, but to friends and other people I deal with as well. So, doing these things makes me happy and it wasn't until recently that I did begin to question a little bit if it was holding up closure for me. And again, I like helping, but not at the cost of my own sanity, which was beginning to suffer in some forums recently. So, those are the driving forces right now in terms of pulling back and seeing where all of this goes. Where post op life takes me. Anybody readnig this and wanting to contact me through my website-- seriously do not hesitate. I am still all ears and will lend whatever information I can for your situation. But in terms of spending hours and hours on facebook groups and stuff, I am definitely pulling back there.
On a totally different topic.... I just came back from Santa Barbara to see a friend (who ironically I met through a jaw surgery group on facebook) who just had her surgery with Dr. Gunson. It was weird driving down the roads there. Last time I was there to see Dr. Gunson, I was in such bad shape. Only 2 months post op, confused, in pain, and freshly abandoned by my treating surgeon. I didn't know how bad I was on the drive in, and was completely shocked on the drive out after hearing the results were SO much worse than I even thought/feared. Lots of tears leaving that place driving over the mountain pass back to the highway. And driving out this time... it was just so weird to be at this place where I am fixed (mostly). I was hopeless driving over that pass 2.5 years ago. Never thought in a million years I'd be back and driving out in the condition I am in now. It was a great feeling, but I also had some mixed emotions. I think it was also hard seeing my friend going through what she's going through. I for sure understand. Breaks my heart seeing people endure this, especially if they are enduring it at the hands of a doctor that screwed them over. Unfortunately both of us are in that position, which is also another reason we've connected over all of this.
So, it was fitting driving back over this mountain pass. At a time when the year is coming to an end and feel like it was kind of full circle for me on my journey. It was the place I went to to start my revision process in June 2014. And I drove out of there now at the end of 2016, class I and damn near perfect out of revision, and hopefully leaving those memories behind in the rear view mirror of that mountain road I traveled over. I think this is a good time to start moving on. So, here is onward and upward in 2017.....which I still can't believe is just around the corner! Have a safe and happy holidays, friends!
I'm still going to have my website going (although updates less and less frequently probably) and will be answering any emails through my contact form. Of course the people from these groups who need to find me know where to find me. I'll still be around.... but just not in the same ways and to the extent I have been the last 4 years. From a selfish stand point, it's really great to be in this position to where I can try and move on. I deserve it. I've done more than my time in this. I deserve what closure I can get too. So, while I love helping other patients through all of this, it's not worth it at the cost of my sanity.....which I felt like was suffering the last few weeks in some of the group posts when it got heated last week. I've spent hours and hours and hours talking to other patients (both through my website and groups/forums). I've had perfect strangers show up and I've offered rides and help. I've even offered a place to crash. I'm not playing a minature violin here saying I was made to do this and hated it. Not at all. Quite the contrary, I really enjoy helping others out. If you've ever read that book, "The Five Love Languages," my language is acts of service. This extends not just in my relationship with my husband, but to friends and other people I deal with as well. So, doing these things makes me happy and it wasn't until recently that I did begin to question a little bit if it was holding up closure for me. And again, I like helping, but not at the cost of my own sanity, which was beginning to suffer in some forums recently. So, those are the driving forces right now in terms of pulling back and seeing where all of this goes. Where post op life takes me. Anybody readnig this and wanting to contact me through my website-- seriously do not hesitate. I am still all ears and will lend whatever information I can for your situation. But in terms of spending hours and hours on facebook groups and stuff, I am definitely pulling back there.
On a totally different topic.... I just came back from Santa Barbara to see a friend (who ironically I met through a jaw surgery group on facebook) who just had her surgery with Dr. Gunson. It was weird driving down the roads there. Last time I was there to see Dr. Gunson, I was in such bad shape. Only 2 months post op, confused, in pain, and freshly abandoned by my treating surgeon. I didn't know how bad I was on the drive in, and was completely shocked on the drive out after hearing the results were SO much worse than I even thought/feared. Lots of tears leaving that place driving over the mountain pass back to the highway. And driving out this time... it was just so weird to be at this place where I am fixed (mostly). I was hopeless driving over that pass 2.5 years ago. Never thought in a million years I'd be back and driving out in the condition I am in now. It was a great feeling, but I also had some mixed emotions. I think it was also hard seeing my friend going through what she's going through. I for sure understand. Breaks my heart seeing people endure this, especially if they are enduring it at the hands of a doctor that screwed them over. Unfortunately both of us are in that position, which is also another reason we've connected over all of this.
So, it was fitting driving back over this mountain pass. At a time when the year is coming to an end and feel like it was kind of full circle for me on my journey. It was the place I went to to start my revision process in June 2014. And I drove out of there now at the end of 2016, class I and damn near perfect out of revision, and hopefully leaving those memories behind in the rear view mirror of that mountain road I traveled over. I think this is a good time to start moving on. So, here is onward and upward in 2017.....which I still can't believe is just around the corner! Have a safe and happy holidays, friends!
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