And then I saw my prosthodontist today. I don't know what it is about my prosth that makes me spill my guts to him. Maybe it's because he's super personable and the one out of the 3 to talk to me one on one, like he would be talking to his kid, and makes me feel like he super genuinely cares. Not that the others don't, but he just goes way out of his way to do what he can for you. A perfect example is that first appointment I ever had with him where he kept me through his lunch hour. The guy skipped his lunch so he could talk to me and get all the details on this nightmare I was going through and help me get on a path to fixing it. He did. I credit him for putting this whole team together for me. So, I admit to him today that I've been nervous. I was nervous a few months ago when my surgeon tells me he's got none of my records and has basically not heard from my ortho at all during the year when I asked him if he had all of my new xrays/scans/etc. I was nervous back in July/August when I told my ortho that the surgeon wanted me to check in and see him about half way through pre op ortho and he said he wasn't ready to send me yet and then never sent me. I call the surgeon the other day to finally make a pre op appointment, and first thing they say is "oh, in your treatment notes you were supposed to be here to check in with us half way through ortho." Yup..... I was. And I tried. I didn't want to seem like I was jumping the shark and going over my ortho's head and just making an appointment myself without his approval, but in hindsight, I probably should have done just that. Now the surgeon's office is confused that they haven't seen me. Awesome. So, I admit to my prosth that this all feels a lot like my first surgery. Like I am worried they are not talking enough and there is a lack of communication and not enough planning being done for my case. If anything it looked like he wanted to raise an eye brow at the ortho, especially since he doesn't know him and can't really vouch for him, but in terms of my surgeon, he reassured me that he will not let this all go by the seat of his pants. It was like dejavu for me though because this reminds me of the exact conversation I had with my first orthodontist a month or two before the first surgery. The appointment where I questioned the weird fact that my surgeon could not provide me with her surgical plan including measurements as well as the positioning of my teeth (which was where my ortho made my bite better instead of worse). I got smoothed over and he told me it would all be OK. This is the way they did things. Just relax and go with it. Serious dejavu there today. And I am not saying that my prosth is bull shitting me. I am just saying that because of what happened to me last time, it's completely normal and expected that I be skeptical this time. I told him all of this and where my feelings were coming from, and he said it's completely understandable and the team understands.
It's so hard to find a balance between being too worried, involved, concerned and then being the annoying paranoid patient. Being too trusting vs. not trusting enough. I want to trust my team, but I also want to listen to my gut if it's telling me something isn't right. And I'm sorry, but I've had a bad feeling for a few months, which isn't really saying much because due to my natural skepticism and distrust after being burned through my first surgery experience, I am pretty much always having a bad feeling to begin with. But I do worry that my surgeon has basically not even thought of me or seen me for a whole year (since I wasn't scheduled for the half way check up with him), hasn't gotten new records, hasn't done any planning (that I know of after the initial pow wow the team had over a year ago. Maybe it's normal to not do much planning at this point, but again after what happened to me last time, I am just so nervous and want to make sure there is a plan.). Here we are, about 5-6 weeks out from what I believe will be surgery time, and we're at this point where I'm wondering how much talking is being done. I want to make sure I don't end up like last time. I don't have a date scheduled and no plans yet at this point, so naturally after last time, I am a little anxious. I don't know if I am being too paranoid or expecting too much, but that seems off to me. I feel like we should be at a much firmer place right now. I just feel like maybe I should have seen my surgeon or at least checked in by now, had a surgery date, and know that people are talking and planning is happening. No more ortho is going to be done from here until surgery, so now we just wait I guess. I hope I am wrong. I hope I am starting to freak out over nothing or I am just being paranoid because of whats happened to me before. I hope they've been doing more in the background than what I gather they've been doing or more than what they've mentioned to me. I started to feel uneasy a few months ago, and I think it's fair to wait as long as I have to finally say enough is enough. I mean we're 4-5 weeks out from surgery. I don't think I am being unreasonable now. I always preach to people to follow their gut if they think something is off. I probably need to listen to my own advice and just flat out asked my team what is up instead of sitting over here being all worried about everything.
So, we'll see what happens. I think I am going to be honest with the surgeon when I see him on the 14th and tell him all of my feelings so far on this. I have to or else I am not going to feel right. I need to get it all out there and be assured they are doing right by me right now and if they are, hopefully put my fears at ease. And again, it's not that they've really given me a bunch of reason to think they're not doing right by me, but it's just my natural skepticism and distrust after what's happened to me. I really hope the team understands what I've been through and why I have skepticism and doubts. It's a whole, "It's not you, it's me," thing, because it's definitely not them. I know they are doing good work this time, but the sad thing is that no matter how good they do, I don't think I can ever trust anybody again after what I've been through. I really hope they understand. Really can't wait until the 14th. Hopefully I can lift the elephant that is sitting on my chest...or at least feels like it.