A friend said to me this week, "there is strength in vulnerability," when I said I was feeling pretty unsettled about everything. Well, why am I trying to sugar coat it when I've been so open about everything in this process thus far-- I've been down right sad. I don't want to say depressed, but I probably am. I've been sleeping a lot this week and feel like I could sleep a lot more. Probably opened one too many bottles of wine too. I haven't really opened up about how I've been feeling this week because I didn't want to have a pity party. I didn't want to invite people to feel sorry for me. But in the interest of full disclosure of what is going on in this process for any future patients reading this blog, I guess I should make this post.
I've gone through something this week that I don't think has ever happened to me. I've been walking around 24/7 feeling like I'm about to cry. And then it just happens at any time-- it's hit me at my desk at work, on the way home from the surgeons office, in the car at various times, leaving my orthodontists office yesterday, standing in line at the grocery store. I am not one to cry in front of anybody let alone unsolicited in a public place. It's a weird feeling, and I guess I really do feel vulnerable. I'm just about over feeling sad and I'm ready to move on to whatever is next. I guess I went through denial at first thinking it couldn't possibly be off and thought I was just smiling crooked due to muscle weakness/numbness, then sadness this week once the docs confirmed everything was off, so maybe anger and acceptance is next? I don't want to be angry, but I'll take it over crying all the time because it's making my face swollen and sore, especially around the fracture and sites where the plates/screws are in my top jaw. Makes sense since it's all connected to my sinuses, which were really compromised during surgery and are still healing. I think I might be getting to the anger phase. Yesterday I started getting thoughts like, "I've done everything that was asked of me. Everything right. I've gone above and beyond as a patient-- a lot more than the normal patient, I think. How the hell did this happen?!?" And then part of me feels bad for feeling bad. I mean, I feel like I'm upset over a first world problem. When I was standing outside of the hospital the other day after leaving my surgeons office, I stopped being upset for a second and thought to myself, 'there are people upstairs in an oncology unit probably deserving to feel much worse than I feel right now. Suck it up cupcake!' I've been trying to remind myself of things like that and shake out of the way I've been feeling, but again, for the first time in my life, I just can't control the way I've been feeling about something. That's kind of scary for me in itself.
Maybe once there are less unknowns I'll feel better. As a scientist I always have to have my brain wrapped around the technicalities of everything and want to know what the plan is. My orthodontist says he wants to get me to a place where we're both happy, but at the same time he says he has no clue right now how he's going to treat me to get me there. That is freaking scary to a person who wants to know we have a plan right now. I saw my orthodontist yesterday and he agrees it seems like my bite is getting worse and worse. I really wonder at this point if I have some kind of relapse going on top of the improper positioning of my jaw during surgery....maybe that incorrect positioning made my muscles all wacked out and want to relapse quickly. I think my ortho is concerned too because he ordered up xrays and new records to look at on Weds and consult with my surgeon again and go from there. I hate to say this, but I kind of almost wish for something like a loose plate or screw or something wrong that will make them just make a decision to go back in and fix everything. At least there will be a plan. I just hope my team figures out what to do and it will truly be the best way to go about fixing all of this. I hope whatever they decide that it's the right decision. Until then, I've got to find a way to get over all of this or else it's going to drive me nuts. Every time I try to think about something else though, I'm quickly reminded that my bite is bothering me and it's worse than before surgery, and my smile is very noticeably crooked. I feel like it's effecting my speech (and who knows, maybe my bite changing would do that, even if it was perfect it might just be something to get used to), my chewing, and my confidence just overall. It's kind of hard to ignore. I'm just tired of being emotionally tired with all of this.
On a brighter note-- I think I've started getting more feeling back in my chin and lower lip. I think I got just about almost all of my feeling back other than the lower lip/chin, and now I started feeling numb but less numb yesterday and I kept feeling like I had food stuck on my chin and there wasn't. Kind of how my cheek slowly transitioned at first. Hopefully that is a good sign. It's already much better than what it was-- at least at this point if it itches, I actually get satisfaction from the itch. Before this that was driving me nuts!! I think I'd actually be OK if what I have is what I was left with, although it's dissapointing that it wasn't in return for a better bite. And super dissapointing that it was for a worse bite! And another brighter note-- tomorrow is the sisters in skydiving event I am catering a bunch of BBQ for. I love cooking, and even though I am pretty tired, I'm hoping it will get my mind off of things lately. It'll be nice to see all of my friends at the dropzone too, even though I can't skydive.
Quick pic of my swelling that has continued to go down, and a little glimpse at the crooked smile. These don't even do it justice really, unfortunately.
I've gone through something this week that I don't think has ever happened to me. I've been walking around 24/7 feeling like I'm about to cry. And then it just happens at any time-- it's hit me at my desk at work, on the way home from the surgeons office, in the car at various times, leaving my orthodontists office yesterday, standing in line at the grocery store. I am not one to cry in front of anybody let alone unsolicited in a public place. It's a weird feeling, and I guess I really do feel vulnerable. I'm just about over feeling sad and I'm ready to move on to whatever is next. I guess I went through denial at first thinking it couldn't possibly be off and thought I was just smiling crooked due to muscle weakness/numbness, then sadness this week once the docs confirmed everything was off, so maybe anger and acceptance is next? I don't want to be angry, but I'll take it over crying all the time because it's making my face swollen and sore, especially around the fracture and sites where the plates/screws are in my top jaw. Makes sense since it's all connected to my sinuses, which were really compromised during surgery and are still healing. I think I might be getting to the anger phase. Yesterday I started getting thoughts like, "I've done everything that was asked of me. Everything right. I've gone above and beyond as a patient-- a lot more than the normal patient, I think. How the hell did this happen?!?" And then part of me feels bad for feeling bad. I mean, I feel like I'm upset over a first world problem. When I was standing outside of the hospital the other day after leaving my surgeons office, I stopped being upset for a second and thought to myself, 'there are people upstairs in an oncology unit probably deserving to feel much worse than I feel right now. Suck it up cupcake!' I've been trying to remind myself of things like that and shake out of the way I've been feeling, but again, for the first time in my life, I just can't control the way I've been feeling about something. That's kind of scary for me in itself.
Maybe once there are less unknowns I'll feel better. As a scientist I always have to have my brain wrapped around the technicalities of everything and want to know what the plan is. My orthodontist says he wants to get me to a place where we're both happy, but at the same time he says he has no clue right now how he's going to treat me to get me there. That is freaking scary to a person who wants to know we have a plan right now. I saw my orthodontist yesterday and he agrees it seems like my bite is getting worse and worse. I really wonder at this point if I have some kind of relapse going on top of the improper positioning of my jaw during surgery....maybe that incorrect positioning made my muscles all wacked out and want to relapse quickly. I think my ortho is concerned too because he ordered up xrays and new records to look at on Weds and consult with my surgeon again and go from there. I hate to say this, but I kind of almost wish for something like a loose plate or screw or something wrong that will make them just make a decision to go back in and fix everything. At least there will be a plan. I just hope my team figures out what to do and it will truly be the best way to go about fixing all of this. I hope whatever they decide that it's the right decision. Until then, I've got to find a way to get over all of this or else it's going to drive me nuts. Every time I try to think about something else though, I'm quickly reminded that my bite is bothering me and it's worse than before surgery, and my smile is very noticeably crooked. I feel like it's effecting my speech (and who knows, maybe my bite changing would do that, even if it was perfect it might just be something to get used to), my chewing, and my confidence just overall. It's kind of hard to ignore. I'm just tired of being emotionally tired with all of this.
On a brighter note-- I think I've started getting more feeling back in my chin and lower lip. I think I got just about almost all of my feeling back other than the lower lip/chin, and now I started feeling numb but less numb yesterday and I kept feeling like I had food stuck on my chin and there wasn't. Kind of how my cheek slowly transitioned at first. Hopefully that is a good sign. It's already much better than what it was-- at least at this point if it itches, I actually get satisfaction from the itch. Before this that was driving me nuts!! I think I'd actually be OK if what I have is what I was left with, although it's dissapointing that it wasn't in return for a better bite. And super dissapointing that it was for a worse bite! And another brighter note-- tomorrow is the sisters in skydiving event I am catering a bunch of BBQ for. I love cooking, and even though I am pretty tired, I'm hoping it will get my mind off of things lately. It'll be nice to see all of my friends at the dropzone too, even though I can't skydive.
Quick pic of my swelling that has continued to go down, and a little glimpse at the crooked smile. These don't even do it justice really, unfortunately.
My midlines are off to the left (my right), and my upper jaw slants down in that direction too.
Left side (my right) is seated too far right and deep, and the right side (my left) barely comes together and I'm biting edge to edge from my front teeth and over around to my molars on that side. The tooth on tooth is really bad on the front teeth right now.
Back in Dec 2013-- gummy smile (which is now gone) but at least my bite was OK. I want the gums and overbite back at this point!
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