I've talked about my issues with the top essix retainer in more than one blog post. I knew before I got it that it was going to bug me because when I had them last time for my short stint between braces treatment.... they bugged me! Go figure. But, I let my ortho give it a whirl. I am not one to dictate to him what we should in terms of my treatment with retainers or anything else. So, here we are almost two months later, and I am confident in saying I gave the essix enough of a shot. Time to go to the hawley. I am over the constant clenching and headaches from the essix. Luckily my ortho didn't bat an eye when I asked him if I could be fit for a hawley. Took a while in his chair to get it shaved down and a good fit, but hot damn does it feel nice to have my teeth more uncovered and the biting surfaces unadulterated and able to touch comfortably. Right away I was not clenching much and my headaches are now gone again. So, for my peeps reading this in retention phase, don't hesitate to try a different retainer! Get one that is right for you. You're going to be in these for a long time.... like the rest of your life, so might as well be comfy!
I saw my surgeon for a check up on the implant. All looks well. They snipped the stitches and I was good to go. I have to go back in 5 weeks to test if the implant is taking to the bone yet. I'll also stop by my ortho that day and do my final records with him. After that, I won't see anybody until February to start following up for my 1 year post op appts. It will definitely be weird to go 3 months without seeing my docs. That will be the biggest break from that in 4 years.
On a totally different topic-- I went on my first big post op trip. Met up with some of my sorority sisters in Vegas for the weekend. I had a wide range of emotions through the trip and I am not exactly sure what they are all tied to, but I know some of them are tied to everything I've been through the last few years. It made me realize how different of a person I am now, which who knows, maybe I'd be pretty different whether I went through this or not. People change as they get older, but in terms of the kind of different I am now.... I am pretty sure it can be directly attributed to all of this. I kind of felt like I wasn't the bright cheery party girl any more. I was usually the one to instigate getting in to trouble and staying out all night. Instead I felt like the old grandmom on the trip who wanted to call it a night and get to bed by midnight. Oddly enough, I felt less comfortable in my skin now than I did with my raging buck teeth in college. Not that I was looking for a huge confidence boost there (like I said, I already kind of had it and was comfortable in my own skin before this), but it was just interesting to note that I felt LESS comfortable now after going through all of this, which all was supposed to yield these physical changes that should make you feel more beautiful and confident. Just goes to show you that it doesn't come by flipping a switch on some surface changes. It's a problem that runs much deeper, which is why I caution pre op patients to not sell the farm on this surgery. Emotionally you may feel the same after.
I do think I am different now because of what I went through. A type of PTSD recovery that I am going to need more time to swing back around from... if I ever can. I feel like this experience has made me a little bit of a mean/bitter person now. Not the basket of fun I used to be. In full disclosure, there is more going on. I haven't talked about it much publicly, but I found out a few months ago that my joint(s) issues (first the jaw, then the knees, then the feet, and now some other things) are not one off issues. That I won't be able to fix my jaw and move on. I have some autoimmune issues going on that is going to leave me with life long chronic joint pain and laxity. I've recently been told I'll never run again, and there is really no surgery to fix the pain that I am in, because having surgery with this issue usually just makes it worse. Had I known this, I probably would have never had my jaw surgery. So, lets just hope that I didn't cause my TMJ's to get worse or looser after this. So, on top of dealing with the trauma associated with going through this jaw fiasco the last few years-- being severely wronged by my first set of docs, having to endure treatment a second time, the stress and anxiety with all of that, and then more recently the stress and anxiety around finding out I am losing all of my front teeth.... it's just a lot to process. Hearing you'll never run again is a tough pill to swallow. Hearing your joints are just going to continue to deteriorate badly on you is a tough pill to swallow. I am a REALLY active person, and this is almost a death sentence for me. It's leaving me with a lot of anxiety and depression over thoughts like, "how much longer will I be able to backpack? Snowboard? Skydive?" Rightly so, it's a lot to take in. It's still new and I am still trying to understand it all. Admittedly it's caused some depression recently. I was very much looking forward to curing the one off problem I had (thinking my jaw was isolated, then my knees were isolated and just bad luck) and be able to move on with life as normal. It's not going to be the case, unfortunately. It's going to take time to wrap my brain around that, so I probably shouldn't be too hard on myself for being a little bit of a party pooper in Vegas. It was just bad timing right now for a trip like that. Oh well. Just take each day as it comes and try to continue processing everything that is going on. That's all we can ever do.
I saw my surgeon for a check up on the implant. All looks well. They snipped the stitches and I was good to go. I have to go back in 5 weeks to test if the implant is taking to the bone yet. I'll also stop by my ortho that day and do my final records with him. After that, I won't see anybody until February to start following up for my 1 year post op appts. It will definitely be weird to go 3 months without seeing my docs. That will be the biggest break from that in 4 years.
On a totally different topic-- I went on my first big post op trip. Met up with some of my sorority sisters in Vegas for the weekend. I had a wide range of emotions through the trip and I am not exactly sure what they are all tied to, but I know some of them are tied to everything I've been through the last few years. It made me realize how different of a person I am now, which who knows, maybe I'd be pretty different whether I went through this or not. People change as they get older, but in terms of the kind of different I am now.... I am pretty sure it can be directly attributed to all of this. I kind of felt like I wasn't the bright cheery party girl any more. I was usually the one to instigate getting in to trouble and staying out all night. Instead I felt like the old grandmom on the trip who wanted to call it a night and get to bed by midnight. Oddly enough, I felt less comfortable in my skin now than I did with my raging buck teeth in college. Not that I was looking for a huge confidence boost there (like I said, I already kind of had it and was comfortable in my own skin before this), but it was just interesting to note that I felt LESS comfortable now after going through all of this, which all was supposed to yield these physical changes that should make you feel more beautiful and confident. Just goes to show you that it doesn't come by flipping a switch on some surface changes. It's a problem that runs much deeper, which is why I caution pre op patients to not sell the farm on this surgery. Emotionally you may feel the same after.
I do think I am different now because of what I went through. A type of PTSD recovery that I am going to need more time to swing back around from... if I ever can. I feel like this experience has made me a little bit of a mean/bitter person now. Not the basket of fun I used to be. In full disclosure, there is more going on. I haven't talked about it much publicly, but I found out a few months ago that my joint(s) issues (first the jaw, then the knees, then the feet, and now some other things) are not one off issues. That I won't be able to fix my jaw and move on. I have some autoimmune issues going on that is going to leave me with life long chronic joint pain and laxity. I've recently been told I'll never run again, and there is really no surgery to fix the pain that I am in, because having surgery with this issue usually just makes it worse. Had I known this, I probably would have never had my jaw surgery. So, lets just hope that I didn't cause my TMJ's to get worse or looser after this. So, on top of dealing with the trauma associated with going through this jaw fiasco the last few years-- being severely wronged by my first set of docs, having to endure treatment a second time, the stress and anxiety with all of that, and then more recently the stress and anxiety around finding out I am losing all of my front teeth.... it's just a lot to process. Hearing you'll never run again is a tough pill to swallow. Hearing your joints are just going to continue to deteriorate badly on you is a tough pill to swallow. I am a REALLY active person, and this is almost a death sentence for me. It's leaving me with a lot of anxiety and depression over thoughts like, "how much longer will I be able to backpack? Snowboard? Skydive?" Rightly so, it's a lot to take in. It's still new and I am still trying to understand it all. Admittedly it's caused some depression recently. I was very much looking forward to curing the one off problem I had (thinking my jaw was isolated, then my knees were isolated and just bad luck) and be able to move on with life as normal. It's not going to be the case, unfortunately. It's going to take time to wrap my brain around that, so I probably shouldn't be too hard on myself for being a little bit of a party pooper in Vegas. It was just bad timing right now for a trip like that. Oh well. Just take each day as it comes and try to continue processing everything that is going on. That's all we can ever do.
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